Food Prep Stats by Robert Digital

Have you ever watched someone prepare your food at a restaurant with their bare hands?

Particularly with males, I can't seem to ignore the statistics. Some 80%+ of men are said to masturbate on a daily basis. Which means there is an 8/10 chance the chef jerked off within 24 hours of kneeding my dough.

Furthermore, how many times have you been in a public restroom only to see those around you leave without so much as glancing at the hand washing station? It seems only logical to assume those same habits follow an individual into their private restroom. I would venture to say that upwards of 50% of men don't wash their hands after using the toilet. And I can't imagine that any sort of standard was taught to them by their father, when it comes to post jerk off hand washing etiquette. But to be conservative, we'll just go with that 50% aforementioned figure. Now, let's do the math on this. 80% x 50% = 40% chance that you are biting into the raw materials left over on another man's hand after he last jerked off.

Of course, we could go into more detail and breakdown those raw materials into their constituent parts (ie. cum, penile skin flakes, STD's, post jerk urine, etc). But we'll leave further analysis for the next post.

I'll have the special, hold the kneecap

Have you tried the pork knee? It will make your stomach squeal with delight ...

Get it straight, the bereaved don't want flowers anymore

It seems like every obituary I read nowadays says at the bottom:

"In lieu of flowers, donations can be made to ..." or the more forceful "In lieu of flowers, the family requests that you make a donation to ..."

So the next time you're headed to a funeral – hopefully not anytime soon – I recommend skipping the flowers and just bringing an envelope full of twenties instead. The dead may not talk, but money does, and nothing makes the grieving easier than some cold-hard cash.

Movies, music, and the 8 steps to genocide

Academia has long known of the eight major steps to genocide. It goes classification, symbolization, dehumanization, organization, polarization, preparation, extermination and finally denial.

Moviegoers have long known that comic book movies are on the rise. And I'm sure I'm not the only person who has noticed a few of these taking place during the genocide of World War II. The first that pops to mind was "Hellboy" from 2004 which "tells the dark story of Hellboy, a charismatic demon who's put on Earth by the Nazis to terrorize the rest of the world," according to the Revolution Studios' promotional material. This demon is a full-on hell spawn, complete with horns, red skin and pitchfork tail. The next one, "X-Men: First Class" just came out in June. It's a great movie, and begins with a story about a Nazi scientist who identified mutants with special powers – namely Magneto, who can manipulate metal with his mind – and went on to form a legion of these mutants after the war. The third is "Captain America," which is about a super soldier who, while fighting the Nazis, learns of an even meaner sub-sect of Nazis controlled by a guy with a red skull in place of his head. It's still in theaters.

A sad fact of history is that Hitler and the Nazis were able to successfully carry out seven of those eight steps to genocide. They were unsuccessful in the last step, denial, in which they attempted in vain. But, although quickly dismissed, deniers of the holocaust still exist today. The first who springs to mind is Iran's leader, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who has repeatedly called the holocaust a "myth."

The writers of "X-Men: First Class" were obviously aware of these eight steps, as Magneto makes mention of the first in a scene where he stands against the classification of mutants, calling it "the first step," or something similar. He then goes on to move metal with his mind.

Which leads me to wonder if Ahmadinejad is thinking what I'm thinking, that, at some point, the youth will be much more familiar with the fiction associated with WWII then the actual conflict, making easier his job of convincing them it didn't happen. After all, if these Nazis were experimenting with hell spawns, mutants, and being led in part by a guy with a red skull atop his shoulders, then it's not a far leap to say they too were fictionalized along with the comic-book sub plots they inadvertently created. And successful denial, while not as timely as Hitler would have liked, will be that much easier.

In music, we seem to be trending toward the elimination of classification altogether. If you visit MySpace – formerly the social networking giant, now relegated to becoming the best way to promote an upstart band – you'll be hard pressed to find a band that describes themselves as playing simply "rock and roll" or "hip-hop." No, the bands of today will likely include both of those genres in their musical description, and throw in a little funk and jazz, as well. Or they will go the complete opposite direction, using no genres in the description and instead writing something like "We don't like to define our sound into words, but it will melt your face off."

And this may or may not be a reaction to the listeners of today, in a sort of "chicken and the egg" question.

And that's because the listeners of today listen to Everything.

If you go to a college campus right now and ask 20 kids what kind of music they listen to, 19 of them will say "I listen to Everything." While, in their minds, this often stands for a sense of broad taste, the truth is that Everything means the top 10 most popular songs at that moment from a few major genres. Also, the listeners of today don't want to listen to one specific genre because they know, consciously or subconsciously, to be associated with one particular genre is classification, and after the classification comes the symbolization: Rappers are criminals, rockers are unkempt, country singers are Republicans, etcetera. But if you're all of those things then, oddly, you become none of those things.

But while both musicians and listeners don't like to be labeled, or classified, into one genre, this creates a problem for some listeners. Some listeners rely on genres to keep order over the cataloging systems they've developed in their minds. If they don't know what kind of music you play, then they don't know how to label you, and you're left floating around their brains like a book in a library with an unidentified symbol where the Dewey Decimal number should be. This is evidenced by wiki.answers.com and answers.yahoo.com, in which multiple members on both of the sites have posed the question "What genre is Lady Gaga?"

Along with the confusion for some listeners, however, this lack of classification in musicians has produced a new since of entitlement to music in others. If you listen to Everything, then you have become aware of and are likely pleased by your own sense of broad taste. You feel you're a music connoisseur, not just a guy who enjoys both rock and rap but never heard of Fats Domino. Nowadays, if the topic of music comes up in a group conversation, you're much more likely to hear someone talk about how big of an impact music has in his or her life. "Music is definitely an important part of my life," or something of the like, is usually how it goes. This likely stems not only from their awareness of their own broad tastes, but the fact that they frequently listen to music and don't happen to have a lot of other important parts of their lives. It's especially annoying when the people saying it don't play an instrument or do anything musically except sing along to their favorite hits in the car or shower.

There are people out there in which this line would be appropriate, but of course, you would never hear those people actually saying it. They know better; they don't want to be classified.

Sharing problems with friends

A good friend never wants to bother his friends with his problems, and so he always wants his friends to think he's on top of the world even when things aren't so good. But it's the good friends who will most want to lend an ear to those problems, and so there's no sense in making your situation out to be perfect to your friends when things could be better.

Business Speak

In business, it is important to know the language used by the true corporate lackey muck. Biz professionals speak and write in a constantly evolving rhetoric. Many unconsciously implement new words and phrases, and the catchiest spread faster than cream cheese at Einsteins (a favorite out of office meeting place for corporate mucks). Let's explore some the terms most important to today's business professional.

"Reach out" - Instead of e-mailing a person last week, you actually "reached out to" them.

"Put some feelers out" - Instead of trying to find someone/something, "put some feelers out" and see if you come up with anything.

"following up" - Instead of thanking someone for calling you back, it's definitely more business-y to thank him or her for "following up."

"to noodle" - brainstorming is out. "Noodling" is the new brainstorming.

"obtain/receive" - Never "get" anything, lest you sound like a redneck. You should be either receiving or obtaining at all times.

"Move Forward" - I would like you to take action so I will ask y0u how we can "move forward"

"Thanks in advance" - I would like you to do something, so I will "thank you in advance" after asking you. Ex. "We would like to get started right away, could you please finish the contract and overnight it today? Thanks in advance

Per your request - You gave me a task, I accomplished it, and now I have have to craft the body of the email explaining that I am delivering my accomplishment. Ex. Per your request, I made the changes to the ESS and attached a revised version.

This should be enough to get you started. Please stay tuned for Business Speak 2.0, advanced language to solidify your corporate image.

Helpful jargon for the office slacker

If you're late:
Try "I hit a snag" instead of "I'm going to be late," or "I completely forgot." You'll find hitting a snag is a little easier to admit to.

If you're lazy or overworked:

Try "My plate is full" if you don't want to take on a responsibility someone is trying to task you with. Having a full plate seems to work better than simply saying "Sorry Pal."

If you're not going to show up at all:
This one's a stretch, but I've seen it pulled off beautifully. If you've exhausted the usual faking sick routine, try saying you're "Battling personal demons." The best slackers have even parlayed it into time off with pay.

McDonald's renting out attic space

Have you been to the Museum of Communism? It's located right above the monster of capitalism. Just look for the psychotic panda holding an AK-47.

Kilt/Tims

Check out this bro straight killing it in the kilt and Tims, with his nuts swinging lower than his plantium-plated canteen belt. He's probably textin his bitch saying "sorry I can't make it over to your place tonight, too busy redefining fashion and trying to find a place to sit. Stop by tomorrow afternoon if you need your nylon stockings back."

Sexy clothes vs. ugly habit

Fat guy in a little coat has nothing on handsfree smoker in a German drindl ...


Look mom, no hands! (That is literally her mom next to her.)

Is the book really better than the movie?

Whenever a group of people are discussing a movie that was first a book, inevitably someone says, "The book is better than the movie." Even if the book is better than the movie, many times the person's real reason for making this statement is to let everyone they read. In the history of book to movie transfers, rarely will a person who has read the book and seen the movie say the movie is better, even in the uncommon case that it actually is. This is simply because of their accomplishment in reading the book. Of course the book is better ... you've developed an emotional attachment to it.

Of course, for the humorously inclined, there is a zinger to be had somewhere in there. "The book is way better," said jokingly when people are discussing a movie, is a facetious way of making fun of people who say this seriously. It's especially funny, I always thought, to use the phrase on a movie that clearly was not based on a book.

But for those who insist on making a point of announcing that the book is better in seriousness: No one cares that you've read the book any more than they care if you've seen the movie. Besides, if you really want to let people know you read, there's a better way.

People are always taking about what they've "heard." I heard Istanbul is a great city, I heard there's no wind in space, I heard running downhill is bad for your knees, etcetera. The next time you're inclined to tell someone about something you heard, switch "I heard" to "I read." If you heard it, then someone has probably written it somewhere, as well. And it's a good habit to get into since reading, especially when compared to watching television, is generally a practice of the more intelligent. Therefor, if you want to be considered among that ilk, it's always better to say you learned of a particular piece of information by reading it than by hearing it. And if you're asked to reference where it was you saw that piece of information printed and you cannot, your reason is simply because you read so much that you can't keep track of it all.

It's much better than going out of your way to let everyone know you found the time to sit down and enjoy a Dan Brown novel.

Taking a dump at the office – pros and cons

PROS
-time away from the desk
-better to have filth/strain on facilities in work bathroom than home bathroom
-save money on toilet paper
-subjecting significant other to the sounds and smells of your dumps is a passion killer

CONS
-less privacy (sounds, smells)
-filth other than your own to contend with
-more obligation to wipe streaks from bowl upon completion
-too much time in a cramped stall with nothing but dump fumes steaming up from below can nearly suffocate a person
-embarrassing walk of shame into/out of bathroom or stall

chould

could've, should've, would've?

when unsure whether to use could or should, try "chould"

venison

If men are from mars and women are from venus, then men are martians and women are ... venisons? No, because venison is a dead deer that's been cured for consumption. The proper term is "Venusian."

Brother from another mother

It would seem that despite how convenient the rhyme works out, it's much more common to have a brother from another father than a brother from another mother.